Heartland Concerts is an all volunteer folk and acoustic music series, presenting the finest in local, regional and national performers in the Rochester, New York area.

I'm sure you have seen them at one time or another, those forlorn souls with a ring on the left hand but with no one in sight with a matching band to complement them. They come to concerts or sing around or the festival alone, claiming to have a wife or husband existing in some other location on the planet, but you've never seen this alleged spouse and probably never will. Perhaps this misguided mate is simply busy, or has a continuing conflict with some other activity, but we must face up to the real reason for their absence: they just plain can't stand the music. I'm sure that except for this unexplainable quirk they are nice people; they give regularly to charity, brake for small animals in the road and love their mates, but they cannot bring themselves to listen to that caterwauling for hours at time.

Two visions spring to mind in considering this dilemma. The first is of a poor, lonely spouse, patiently waiting at home. Picture this person forlornly seated in a chair in the living room, reading a not so good book by the light of a single 25 watt bulb and repeatedly glancing at the clock, waiting for their wayward partner to return, trying not to think about what could be happening with a hot picker in a room filled with very strange people.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to write schlock like that in non-sexist language? Well I give up, for vision #2 is unabashedly sexist and can't be expressed otherwise. For those of you old enough, picture Maggie waiting by the front door, rolling pin in hand, for the irresponsible Jiggs to return from the coffee house. His love for music has once again sent him to that den of ill repute and he is in big trouble when he gets home.

There is a solution to this predicament, but one that must be phrased carefully and with the utmost respect for family values. I know you won't admit it, but you have read the "Getting Personal" columns in the want ads, and I implicitly believe you when you say it's just for the laughs, I really do. I would propose the establishment of the Spousal Equivilant Alternate Non-binding Companion Exchange, with the catchy acronym SEANCE. Since chance will dictate there are roughly equal numbers of husbands and wives are folk fans with non-participating spouses, we could set up a system where these mismatched couples entertain each other on those nights when we have a great concert, thus eliminating the trauma of having to be bored silly or being abandoned for some caterwauling folksinger.

So just fill in the form below and bring it with your spouse to the next concert, where we’ll throw it in a box and hold a random drawing just before the show starts. (We promise you won’t have to listen to any music, really we do.) Please remember the following words are forbidden: Attractive, Slim, Generous, Curious, Hot, and the letter X in combination with anything.